Editors Note: Our Bella Life Contributor Natalie Berthold is always so candid in her writing and we love that about her! Read her article and feel as though no matter where you are with your love conversation we are HERE and you are NOT alone. ~Nitika~
Are you one of those who wants to vomit if you see one more goddamn heart or cupid adorning a shop window? February is traditionally known as the month of love, but this is not always the case. Often times we are single and baffled. Worse yet, we are in healthy relationships, but trying to sabotage them. Before you surrender yourself to spinsterhood, with the 18 cats and the obnoxious robe and curlers, you might want to consider the following possibility…
We are all born into family systems, or constellations. Our soul group with our family is very tight and whether we like our family or not, we do love them, and we are connected to them on a very deep and energetic level. We have so much love and loyalty to them (again, you may not consciously feel this, but it is certain on the unconscious level), that we would do anything to remain a part of it. Our worst nightmare, as a soul in our family cluster, is to be separated and isolated. We want desperately to be included, which is why our inability to form or keep relationships might be due to some family entanglements.
Even though we become entangled out of loyalty and love on the subconscious and celestial level, these entanglements only hurt ourselves and others on the waking, earth-based level.. I have been in a great relationship with a wonderful man for over a year, but it took me a long time to not reject it. I was constantly confused about how I felt. I loved him and knew that he was by far the most stellar and amazing man I have ever dated, but at times, I had an inclination to bolt. Furthermore, I would sacrifice his and our happiness, for that of friends’. I was so aware of not wanting to hurt my friends, that I would often hurt him (ie. not being affectionate with him around my friends, always hanging out with my friends, over him, etc). There was no rational reason for my behavior, so I started digging deeper..
I do workshops on family constellations and I know that taking on family patterns can sometimes be the culprit. I started taking inventory of my relatives: My older brother and only sibling, alone and single almost his whole life. My dad, alone and single. My mom, alone and single. My mom’s 3 brothers, alone and single and always have been. My mom’s 2 sisters, alone and single. My mom’s parents, one deceased and one alone and single (even in their living relationship, they lived separate lives). My dad’s parents, alone and single, along with all of his six siblings except for 2. It is plain to see, the pattern in my family is “to be alone and single”. For my soul to feel like it fits in with the rest of my family, it wants “to be alone and single”.
When I asked myself honestly, and paid attention to my gut reaction, “Do you feel guilty for being in a relationship?”, my immediate response was YES! I was flooded with shameful emotions. This also carried over to my single girlfriends who could not be happy for me. I felt guilty for having a relationship when most of my friends didn’t. One even cried and cried when I told her the news that my beau and I were moving in together. These were not tears of happiness….
I spent most of my relationship thus far feeling guilty, questioning it, and wondering if I should just leave it…after all, I finally fit in when I was single. I spent most of my life feeling like an outsider…a square peg in a round hole. Then, I went through a period of 5 years being single. My family and I could relate. My mom and I would almost “brag” about how we didn’t need a man…and we kept reinforcing this message, and receiving no man. After all, we were smart, capable, and not directionally challenged like some of our female counterparts. What did we need a man for? It’s not that we disliked them, in fact, we love men…but not for partners. Furthermore, my dad and my brother became the my main men…we gossiped and counseled and talked about everything under the sun…and I was their woman…I was the one they turned to for advice, gentleness and a dose of drama to keep things exciting. I felt closer to my family then I ever had.
Being single for so long, sure, I was sex deprived ,but shit, I had so many friends that I never felt lonely. My friends and I could commiserate, and most of the time, celebrate, about our single-hood and freedom–though we used this freedom to meditate and eat ice-cream, rather than chase boys and be naughty. It didn’t matter. We were a team, with a united front with a common message. We didn’t need any guy to make us happy..shit, we had slumber parties, reality TV show gatherings, mani/pedi days, etc. We were like little Kelly Clarksons running around singing, “Miss Independent”, with a proud smirk on our faces. Our power posse of singletons was growing in number and popularity. It became cooler to be single than to be in a relationship. “Suckers”, we would quip as we lamented for the poor groping couple on the park bench as we skipped along with our “girls only” picnic crew. The fun never ended…that is until I got a boyfriend. I’m not even that girl who spends or even wants to spend a shitload of time with my beau…I learned that painful lesson five years prior with my possessive and jealous man at the time. But, no matter what, in this new relationship, I never felt like I could please everybody, and I certainly felt disloyal to everybody.
I began to recognize this pattern in others too…like with my mom…I truly believe she shies away from relationships for the same reason (she too has a fabulous man who will probably wait for her until she dies, but that she always keeps at arms length). She feels remorse, guilt and sadness that none of her siblings have/had “normal” lives and have no partners. We, out of love and loyalty, think that if they can’t have “it”, why should we. I put “it” in quotes, because you can exchange the word relationships for any other word: a hot bod, money, status, luck, following our dreams, whatever. We often deprive ourselves of many things, because our mom, dad, brother/sister, whoever doesn’t have them.
In reality, even though a family member or friend might suffer from some short-term jealousy or feelings of loss, they definitely want you to be happy and want the best for you. When I work with clients, and they ask (energetically) for their family’s blessing to move on, 99% of the other party, eventually, is more than willing, and very happy to give them their blessing. This is our own fear based thinking that keeps us stuck in a holding pattern.
This Valentines, you don’t have to be alone. By following this process below, you can finally be at ease with your relationship choices, like I am. I am now loud and proud about by feelings toward my boyfriend!
I want you to do an honest check on your relationship situation.
Are you single? Afraid of commitment? In a bad/abusive relationship? In a good relationship, but scared shitless? Always with cheaters? Always the cheater?
Whatever the case may be, see if you can identify family members, or even close friends with the same patterns.
Ask yourself honestly, if you would feel guilty if your situation was otherwise. Ask yourself if you would feel like you were betraying one or more people in your soul cluster if you had a great relationship.
If the answer is yes, you’ve got work to do, babycakes. .
You need to cut the cords and disentangle yourself from those on the other end of the manacles.
Ask (energetically) that this person/persons be able to give you the blessing and courage to disentangle yourself from this burden and be free. Then go, little lovebird…fly far far away…make your family and friends proud…and find that special someone…stop waiting and start loving!
Happy Valentines Day!
